BY SHAYNA DEMICK Opinion Columnist

Some people go to college for education. Some people go to college for socializing. Some people go to college for both. 

Me? I go to college to be the hottest person on campus. Because if college is a fashion show, and I’m pretty sure that it is, I am winning. 

Last year, I wore a collared mushroom sweater top, brown corduroy pants, brown suede chunky converse and a beige train conductor hat to classes. To top it all off, I had orange and brown eyeshadow to match. Was I late to calculus because of getting ready? Almost. Was my head sweating immensely because of the conductor hat? That’s irrelevant. 

I’d like to note that I spoke to Kirkbride Jesus while wearing this outfit about whether peeing in the communal showers was a sin. If you’re curious, he said it was not. Also, he said that he was “required” to shower with the other guys in high school. I’m not sure how this point was relevant to my question but it sure was a fun tidbit. He was an entertaining stop on my runway that I call “Shayna’s Campus.” 

It’s my responsibility as a femme lesbian to show the great range that my wardrobe can hold. Sometimes I wear polos and flannels, while sometimes I wear bright patterned tank tops, dresses and skirts. It’s usually the latter. Lately, I’ve been wearing Elton John sunglasses with my outfits to really take them to the next level.

I have publicly announced that I’m in my “lesbian bimbo era.” I have ditched bras, but it’s definitely not because I haven’t done laundry. It’s true that I haven’t done laundry, but that’s totally unrelated. I made the intentional choice to join the “free the nipple” movement. 

I have yet to wear my lingerie tops on campus. This is mostly because there is a high risk of flashing my professors. If you see somebody who is slaying a lilac lingerie top, it’s me. If that top is on the edge of a public nudity charge, let the record state that I’ve never owned a lingerie top. Also let the record state that I don’t even know how to pronounce lingerie. LINE-JERRY? LEENG-EYE-REE??? How could somebody that doesn’t know how to pronounce lingerie wear it? Impossible! 

Here is a comprehensive list of reasons why college is a fashion show and I am winning:

I refuse to walk five miles a day to simply receive an education. I want the labored treks to be worth it. I want to do my five-mile runway walk where it really matters: in front of thousands of anxious college students. I may be built like a cereal box but my outfits are so spectacular that they’re basically my physical characteristics. 

When I enter my sweater weather era, it’s simply over for everyone.

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